Dilbert

Comic for May 22, 2011: "

"

So Long ! - and Thanks for All the Fish

ICICI Can go pHU(|< themselves !

USE OF UNPARLIAMENTARY LANGUAGE BY CUSTOMERS

Dear Customer,

ICICI Bank gives customer service paramount importance. Our personnel treat customers with politeness, courtesy and respect at every interaction. Sometimes, mitigating circumstances, like systems downtime, policy-related issues and compliance-related concerns, may compel us to convey decisions that may not be to your entire satisfaction. These are, however, only the exception and not the rule. The rule is to provide agreeable solutions, and that too at the first interaction itself; and the compliments we receive from satisfied customers - through our website, by phone, by e-mail and by letter - while indeed very heartening, serve to inch the bar higher.

However, customers resorting to provocative and unparliamentary language or rude and disruptive behaviour stretch tolerance, cause distress and impact on morale and efficiency. This can lead to a compromise in the level of service received by other customers and is therefore untenable. Therefore, despite the acknowledged primacy that a customer in the service industry commands, we must inform you with the greatest reluctance and deepest regret that henceforth, customers found to be offensive in their interaction with us will be required to close all their relationships with ICICI Bank.

Sincerely,


ICICI Bank Ltd.


As if a distressed customer was interested in keeping his relationship alive with them ? Ohh and btw on what grounds m***f**rs ?


http://icicibank.com/unparliamentary-language-by-customers.html

We Indians are Cheap |\/|07h3rfu(k3r5

Ofcourse only after the lone Australian :-) And BTW - Pune tops the list you see :-) Also note the miserable download speed and 7 seeders ?

Overenthusiastic Airtel Installation /\/\07|-|3RPhU(|ker

If you suddenly find the NEC-6650A drive or any such DVD drive on your notebook is not working - particularly when an Airtel installation dude AKA /\/\07|-|3RPhU(|<3r lays his hands on your notebook. Please follow the following steps :

http://www.techsupportforum.com/hardware-support/driver-support/206557-solved-nec-dvd-rw-nd-6650a-driver-missing.html

The /\/\07|-|3RPhU(|<3r> went and disabled the following keys in my registry. Only after I ran a Sherlock Holmes style investigation [ that too after a month - work is keeping me way way too much occupied ] - did I realize what the /\/\07|-|3RPhU(|<3r>

Here is what he changed -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AutoRun#NoDriveTypeAutoRun
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AutoRun#NoDriveAutoRun

Wonder WTF did BillGindows had a problem with just this much of a registry hack. So if you have a NEC drive which is not working, and you think it had reached the end of its life span. No folks - you are wrong.

Here is the quote of the day - Rocky and Mayur Style : My sincere apologies to NEC and Dell, the culprit was Airtel.
Btw I flashed this drive with the latest firmware too ! Felt so handicapped without a DVD writer !

Now Potency Tests Before Marriage - The Tamil Way !

First there was Khushboo about premarital sex and now there is one called Manorama who has stirred quite a controversy over the whole potency test before marriage issue.
So CNN-IBN who are running low on their viewership and often find themselves resort to India-TV'ish tactics decided to take the issue at hand and who better than Sagarika Ghose A.K.A. Bahubali.

This lady probably excited with the subject matter - made a statement somewhere in the middle of the show - 'A guy who has erectile dysfunction wont be a good husband'. While the panelist tried to intervene and said probably you mean err - "Sexual partner" not husband. But Bahubali carried on !

Made me wonder there must be a STORY behind this and maybe its worth finding out who the poor sod married to the sleeveless sensation was. And god oh god !

Rajdeep, I do feel sorry for you after I looked around and discovered IT WAS YOU man. It was YOU.
No matter how much the poor panelists tried to save the grace by trying to convince is idiot woman that its marriages werent just about Erectile Dysfunction [ and there was always Fevicol or Feviquick ] the woman wouldnt JUST listen. Rajdeep, sorry mate !

Btw, Google throws up some interesting things when you look up Sagarika Ghose. Note the last entry as well. Wonder who was so lame to come up with such a query. These results were put up by Google much before the feature aired.

Tamilnadu - What do you have in store for us next ? Premarital Sex to Determine Potency Test ?

Quitting Infosys

I wonder if they make it so traumatic for people working there at Infosys ? Anyone ? Nandan ?

What An Effing Idea M**rs !

I never had my doubts about how retarded the whole Idea business was. I mean I always wondered why they couldn't quite gain as much ground as Airtel came from behind and zoomed past their lazy asses. These images are self explanatory.

I have three questions for Kumarmangalam Birla.

1] Why does a customer have to watch the ugly hairy face or Jr. B everytime they visit this effing website and then skip to whatevercellular.com ?
2] I mean since when -1 was a unique reference number ? Is DOT [ Department of Telecom ] even listening ? Whats this whole business. I want my privacy and all I get is a -1 ?
3] Well no comments here. How retarded either Billdesk is or Idea is I am not sure.

P.S. If you are an "Taking India to the World" employee and are trying to threaten me/post comments here, take your scam somewhere else.

Disgusting is the plain word ! Talk about India Inc. And DO NOT DISTURB ? I think it should be DON'T GET DISTURBED !

Why are headhunters overwhelmingly idiots ?

Dr Muthuswamy compelled me to do my own research on this topic and as I was seeking nirvana on this whole issue I realized I wasnt alone.
This got to answer all those questions oh all those poor souls plagued by Headhunters !

DR MUTHUSWAMY

[ With all due respect to the Father of the Nation who wished we weren't as choosy about our jobs and all jobs were equal [Is that what he said ?] ]
Dude, I must be appearing so much in need of such rewarding jobs to DR MUTHUSWAMY.
Its quite amusing to imagine being a Waitress in some resort-spa in Malaysia or a masseur using palm oil.

Note to Ethnic Malay and Tams like DR MUTHUSWAMY: The Father of Nation described here is Father of OUR nation i.e. India alone and not to be confused with Father of any other nation. No Malays/Tams were harmed during the writing of this post and any issues you might have with regard to racial / ethnic slur would be under the jurisdiction of the Mumbai high court.

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Hello to the smart soul,

Does your average sized human brain prompt you ever to check if the skill set of the person you contact is relevant for the positions you are hiring for ? I worry about your clients. Please please spare me of the torture of going through your emails.

TIA,
Hemant

---

From: DRMUTHUKUMAR RAMASWAMY
Subject: EMPLOYMENT VACANCIES
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:58:02 +0400
From: mrswamy@omantel.net.om


We are currently recruiting candidates on different positions in our New Hotel Resort and Spa in Malaysia.
We need the following candidates with right working attitude.
1.Customer Care Services/ Receptionist
2.Bar Tender, Waiteress
3.Administrative Clerk, Administrative Assistant, Housekeeping Staffs,
4.Front Desk Officer, Front Office Manager
5.Food & Beverage Manager, Food & Beverage Supervisor, Assistant Restaurant Manager
6.Accounts Executive,
7. Conference & Banqueting Manager
8.Sales Assistants... etc.
Interested candidates may email their resume (with recent photo), Application Letters
and Academic Credentials/Certificates to;
Email: human_resource01@hotmail.com

Only shortlisted candidate will be notified

Thanks .
Management
HUman Resources

I must be feeling so lonely !

Panoramas

Panoramas from my recent trip to Fort Purandar - Vajragad on 5th July 2008. The first one is taken from Baapdeo Ghat near Kondhwa and is a panorama of Pune as seen from there and the second one is the first sight of Purandar from the base. The height of around 4550 ft from MSL. I wonder why Kondhwa and Saswad is such a dry country ?






[ Note for Plagiarists - I am not a great photographer, though if you try your luck with me, believe me Ill f**k your happiness :-) I am quite good at it. ]

राखी सावंत

भरून आले आसमंत ! रडू लागले संत !
महाराष्ट्राची खंत ! राखी सावंत !

Credited to Unkown !

Visa Blues

A good friend and a collegue got into Stanford and Purdue. His take on "Ohh my god I am so happy I just got my VISA" feeling, mostly enjoyed by poor wretched Tatya fools. In this case a "she Tatya", hence referred to Tatiyana.
Glossary : "She Tatya" is a variety found in abundance in Pune engineering colleges. Read on in his own words !

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Kaka GuruVich !

I was quite inspired by tatiyana's mail so I decided to write my own VISA blog :). I was in line with a couple of smelly Gults and here's how it went ...

VO : Good morning !
Gult 1 : Good Morning to you too Saar !
VO : All right first question ... say "God bless America"
Gult 1 : "God bless Amreeeca"
VO : Your VISA is rejected .. get out !

Then comes the next guy

VO : Good morning !
Gult 2 : Good Morning to you too !

.. ok that went well .

VO : Wich college are you goin to ?
Gult 2 : University of Alabama
VO : Hmmmm ... ok ... what do they call the folks down there ?
Gult 2 : (A bit confused) Enti ????
VO : What are the people of Alabama known as ??
Gult 2 : Errrrrrr .... Alabamese ?
VO : Wrong !!!
Gult 2 : Errrrrrr .... Albanians ?
VO : Wrong again !!!
Gult 2 : Sorry ... I give up.
VO : We call them inbreedin hicks.
Gult 2 : Enti ??????
VO : Do you have any maternal cousins in the US ?
Gult 2 : Yes.
VO : VISA rejected ... get out !!!!

Things are not going to well and I start revising the drill ... be confident .. always smile ... maintain eye contact etc.

I'm there and I see that it's a chick who's doin the interviewing. Now this makes it completely different ... it's hard enough lying to a chick ... and whoever came up with the stupid eye contact bit ???

So here's how it goes ...

VO : Why do you want to go to the US ?
ME : Graduate studies in nanoelectronics followed by Phd and academic research.
VO : Really ???
ME : All right .. all right .. life sucks in Hyderabad and ... I want to live my American dream.
VO : Why do you want to go to Purdue ?
ME : It's got a world renowned nanoelectronics program . Its one of the top colleges in the world.
VO : Really ??
ME : Errrrr ... no .. it's a got a huge undergrad population ... I can play big daddy to the undergrad chicks.
VO : Hmmm . what will you do after your MS ??
ME : I'll continue with research and then come back to India to settle down with my parents.
VO : Really ??
ME : Errrrrrr .... no .... I'll marry a rich South Indian chick .. and start my own little sweatshop in India with the dowry ... tormenting poor souls back home with WPRs ... while I live the good life in the US.
VO : How do you plan to pay for your MS ??
ME : I have my fathers savings and some of mine.
VO : Really ???
ME : All right .... I'll clean toilets of course.
VO : Do you smoke / drink ??
ME : Yes
VO : How do plan to pay for that ???
ME : (I hadn't figured that out so I decide to put it back to the VO ) ... Hmmmm ... what's worse than cleaning toilets ?
VO : Working for a gult start up
ME : (Shit ... I realize I'm getting back to where I started). No .. No ... anything else that I could do that's equally depressing ?
VO : Teaching Undergrads.
ME : Fine ... I'll do that.
VO : (Thinking) All right ... I've been in Chennai only a few months and I can Imagine what you've been going through.
VO : Your VISA is granted.

Holy Crap !

Referrals - They Know - Matrimonial Spam

The sort of stuff you receive from these matrimony sites even after you delete your account. Focuses more on "Pyar Ke Side Effects" !


The Club Mahindra spam. The referral earns the matrimonial guys some bucks I guess. Watch the form. The mandatory field called *Type of Car Owned: (eg: Honda City, Hyundai Santro).
Wtf ? I had an urge to fill in "Ferrari" and curse and tell blatently that I lied to the hopeful Club Mahindra idiots. !


This is the masterpiece of all. Amazingly this was sent on HIGH priority. They know how desperately I need condomes here. Now they know as much about me now that I have deleted my account. These guys know a lot more about you isnt it ! Well click on the images for full size ones. There is an interesting questionnaire you got to answer if you want to be one of those lucky exclusive 1000 indian "The Durex Condom Testers" ! Make sure to use alternate methods. They could have "Beta" in fine print for you :-)

So True

Another commandment at the same Icecream shop

Priceless

There are some things money cant buy, for everything else there's Old Monk.

Panoramas

My attempt at Panorama. The rice field is messed up somehow. Nevertheless.
The tall peak to right is Fort Torna [ 4600 Ft] and to the left the distant peak is mighty Fort Rajgad once a capital of Chatrapati Shivaji before Raigad. Click for full size.

Waterfall at Thoseghar. I wasn't sure, if it would turn good, too bad I didn't take more shots. Click for full size.


[ Note for Plagiarists - I am not a great photographer, though if you try your luck with me, believe me Ill f**k your happiness :-) I am quite good at it. ]

I did

Ad at an Ice cream shop. Quite unfortunately, there were none who could do justice to the ad :-(

Warning : Licking or trying to bite your computer monitors can be hazardous for your health :D